Lost Humanity
by GloriousBlackout
Summary: There are days when Sasuke is able to look back on everything he has done, and he is afraid of what he sees.


_This is just what I think Sasuke would be like if he was able to realise everything he'd done. Hope he doesn't seem too ooc. Enjoy :)_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto :(_

Lost Humanity

There were days when Sasuke forgot about his hatred, his lust for revenge. Every once in a blue moon he'd look back on his short life and recoil with horror at his past actions. Then the want for vengeance returned and the day before would be forgotten.

On these days however, Sasuke had time to think. The subjects of his thoughts had changed somewhat as the circumstances he found himself in had also changed.

On the few occasions when he was allowed to rest between merciless training from Orochimaru he would consider escaping, possibly returning to Konoha and taking up Naruto's offer of help in the path against his brother. He was scared of the man he knew he was becoming in those days and he would have been prepared to give it all up for the chance to return into the arms of his best friend.

And then, almost as suddenly as those thoughts had entered his head they left again as he found himself accepting Orochimaru as his sensei once more. He'd take part in the torture of the Sannin's prisoners and have his mind so clouded by revenge that any thoughts of escape were forgotten.

After his defeat of Orochimaru and the formation of team Hebi, he focussed more on getting his revenge on Itachi. However occasionally he considered what he would do once his ultimate goal had been achieved. Should he return to Konoha and accept any punishment the village threw at him? Should he continue to fight Akatsuki on his own to get rid of yet more ties to his brother that remained behind? Or should he simply disappear, living out his life in the woods or in the caves by the sea? He knew he'd be lonely that way, but at least he'd finally be free to live as he wished after so much time wasted in the shadow of others. He'd liked that idea, but of course he still had to focus on his fight with Itachi and that was enough to satisfy his mind for the most part.

And now? Well now Sasuke dreaded the times when he was left alone with his thoughts. He was deep within one of Akatsuki's lairs, bloody bandages over his eyes as he waited to recover after having his brothers eyes transplanted into his own empty sockets.

The times when his mind was clear were painful. He could see clearly all that he had done. He saw his brother's dying words as he collapsed before him. He saw the brutal death of Danzo, the man who had ordered Itachi to destroy his clan when he was only thirteen. He saw his willingness to kill Karin as he claimed that she was of no more use to him. He saw his attempts to kill Sakura, his madness as he told of his plan to destroy the village he had once called home, his longing to destroy Naruto, his best friend...

Events played over and over in his mind and he found that he could barely recognise himself anymore. Surely his eyes could not be so cold, his face could not be so devoid of emotion, his hands could not be so drenched in blood? No. That man could not possibly be him. If he was then Sasuke didn't think he'd be able to face the shame. He wanted to be human, not this monster that he had become.

He watched as the man who looked so much like him boasted about having wandered too far into the darkness, throwing aside Gaara and Naruto's words about how the darkness of his heart would only destroy him. However in his moments of sanity Sasuke found that he was not at one with the darkness but was imprisoned by it, it's density crushing him as he tried desperately to crawl out and see some source of light. He wanted help, he wanted an absolution. He screamed for it but whether his cries were real and echoing around the cavern walls or whether they were yet another result of his tortured mind he did not know.

All he knew was that he wished for death. Preferably by Naruto's hand so that he could spend his last moments with someone he cared about, someone who even now continued to give him a small amount of hope. Not an enemy who would relish his pain and stand victorious over his dying body. Sasuke was even prepared to risk Hell in order to be rid of the monster within himself. Surely Hell could not be much worse than his current state of being?

He allowed tears to leave his eyes, he cried out in frustration, he even begged to a god he didn't believe in for help.

And then, as always the monster returned and he relished the darkness and craved the power it gave him, power to destroy everything he hated. He didn't remember that only hours before he'd been horrified by that very power.

He forgot all of his fears and regrets.

He forgot his precious moments of humanity.


End file.
